My life is a journey that I will endeavour to explore while learning to love myself.

Hello again :)

So yesterday was my introduction to you all & a learning curve of how this blog thing works, I'm not really computer savvy but I am smarter then what I give myself credit for.  I know starting a blog you may think is a simple & easy task but I was on here for awhile before my fingers starting typing.
Trying to think of a name for my page that really summed it up & then coming up with an intro & then pressing the post button & then even sharing the link to my blog.  I'm surprised to have 8 people following my blog already & even more surprised that people actually liked reading my blog.

In life I have always been a person who shares easily & enjoys talking, some of my close family & friends would say that I talk too much & share too much, lol.  To me though if I feel comfortable in telling you something personal about me it's because I fell comfortable around you, I also think if people want to judge me let them, you will never make everyone happy.  So instead of trying to achieve such an unrealistic task, concentrate on being honest to yourself & knowing who you are & LOVING yourself for it.  Such easy words to express & believe me it's a work in progress for myself but I am learning more & more each day that I am capable of being an AWESOME person who deserve nothing but the BEST in LIFE!

So I am going to show you some photos of myself at different stages/ages in my life, each with a caption of why I chose that photo to share on here.

So the world is blessed with my presence in 1976 & the journey of my life begins.  This is me with my cousin Julie there is 3 weeks between us.

Here I am in my Standard 3 class photo which I think
is referred to as year 5 these days, I'm the 3rd one in from the left hand side in the front row.  This is where my weight problem began, after a teacher told me she thought I was bigger then I needed to be.  I didn't have an issue with my weight until that day happened, I don't entirely blame her she just was my trigger point to my self sabotage ways.  I OWN my actions now, that was 1 hard thing to do, let me tell you.

Here I am with my friends for my 13th birthday, little chubby thing that I am with my oh so trendy perm going on (poodle hair as some would say)  I was really struggling with myself at this stage of my life, where I fitted in & who I wanted to be.  My college years were hard & I really didn't like them, being at an all girls school wasn't easy either.  Girls can be so cruel & nasty & what I know now it doesn't change as you get older.  The friend to the left of me in this photo is 1 of my besties though Becky Wilde, we have some good stories & have shared lots together.

Here I am with my friend Morgan, my boyfriend at the time lived in another town so Morgan escorted me to my 6th Form Ball, it was a great night.  When I was getting dressed that night to go & shake my booty on the dance floor I was so concerned with how I looked, as I was always the bigger girl in the group of girls that I hang out with.  I borrowed this dress off a friend of mine as my parents could never afford to buy me a new dress. In 2 years I went to 5 balls & not once did I ever get a brand new dress, always borrowed from someone & I think I wore the same dress only once in that time.  It bothered me at the time but now I realize I was lucky that I had people who were willing to share their gorgeous dresses by allowing me to wear them.  I popped this photo up once on my Face Book Page & below wrote if only I was as fat as the 1st time I thought I was, because mate I look HOT!!!!!!  Funny really how we look back on life & see the bigger picture is completely different to how we viewed it back then.



This is Mandy my awesome & wonderful cousin who is also one of my dear & closest friends, now we really have some good stories that we should actually never tell anyone, lol.  I smile when I think of some of adventures we went on.  This is us at a 3 day concert gig, we slept in that van & partied hard.  My age was 18 or 19 I think & I had just lost 16kgs & was feeling pretty bloody happy with myself & rocking that body.  Though I look happy & I had a great time this is when I disrespected myself as a person the most, after losing the weight I realized I got more attention from the male species & boy I enjoyed that.  So for around 2 or so years I allowed myself to be treated like shit, thinking I was worth nothing more.  The main reason for me behaving like this was because I was raped April 13th 1995 & more self hating began!

Here I am at my good friend Angie's wedding 1997, that year I meet my 1st serious boyfriend who reminded me what I was actually worth & how I should actually be treated.  That smile is a genuine one, as happiness had entered my life, although the curves had gotten a bit curvier also.  That relationship lasted 3 years & to be honest I'm surprised it lasted that long after me trying & taking every chance I could to contaminate it with my fu#ked up attitude lol.  I did try therapy sessions & self help books.  The only problem with that was I was never fully committed to the process so I could never be 100% the person I wanted to be.

Here I am in 2000 at my farewell party, after that 3 year relationship ended I went to the States lived in Orlando for 5 months doing a nanny job.  It was also the beginning of another destructive round to hurting myself & letting shitty men take advantage of my low self esteem.  Yes I know you think I would have learnt but shit can you tell,  I don't learn things the easy way I like to make it as difficult as possible, lol.  It's easy to joke about it now but at the time that smile was masking a lot of pain & hurt, I had lost my way & I didn't know how to get back!

Here I am celebrating my 26th birthday with friends in Hamiton, a girls weekend away.  My life had changed hugely here as I had become a single mum at the age of 25 yrs & my little girl saved me from destroying my life completely & wasting it away with party antics.  It was a scary thing becoming a single mum, however it help shape me into the woman I am today.  It made me realize what I was capable of & how much support I had available.  Again I was blessed with much more then what others had but I didn't appreciate it as much as I should of at the time.  This smile is happy that my life turned out the way it did.

At my friend Lisa's wedding 2002.  Had plumped up a bit here but semi happy with my appearance, I have such a round full face & it bugs me, lol.  The smile in this photo is hiding the fact that I was very lonely & desperately wanted to meet someone special.

2003 the year I meet my hubby, this is me having my 27th birthday dinner with friends.  I'm truly happy where life is right now in this photo.  Was meeting & making new friends, starting a new job & enjoying life. I had gained a bit more weight here but still felt comfortable enough to socialize in public, lol.

Our engagement party/30th birthday celebration for the both of us with the friends 2006.  Had our 1st child together the year before but Blake was our 2nd child to our little family.  Marshall has embraced Kyra as his own & doesn't treat her any differently then to the 2 children we made together.  Happiness has been found but not without it's ups & downs, me being me made things hard work but my dear hubby never gave up on me.  Some would say a man of real strength or a man who was just bonkers to stay with me, I know however he is a man of real strength.  Family means everything to him & I couldn't love him more :)

The happiest day of my life, when I married my best friend 24th Nov 2007.  I felt so lucky to have our kids to be involved in our day & share in the wonderful memory we created on that very special day.  Our life was enriched with our 3rd child in April that year & I had 7 months to drop the baby weight, no pressure ha ha.  I didn't lose enough to fit my dress without having to get it altered by professionals.  You see I found my dress when I had just lost 13kgs & I was back down to a size 12 sometimes 10 & this dress was a 10.  However I was fortunate enough to be able to adjust it enough to walk down the isle in it on the day, thank god!  Another thing you will learn about me is I love my bargains, hate paying full price, so the dress I am wearing was a $1600.00 dress which I manage to purchase for $400.00 BARGAIN!!!!!  My smile here is of pure contentment with how far I have come in allowing myself to be happy with what I have in life :)

The year 2008 was the hardest & most difficult year of my life.  On June the 15th 2008 my brother Joshua & sister Samantha were killed in a horrible car accident.  Joshua died instantly leaving behind twins sons who were 4 months old at the time & he was only 24 yrs of age.  Samantha died 3 weeks later on 7th July 2008 after fighting for her life, she left this world at the young age of 14 yrs old.  This has completely devastated my family & has caused much heartache with us all.  I turned to exercise for a little bit but before long I returned to my faithful friend FOOD!  This is when the weight slowly packed itself back on & when I really tested my marriage.  So yes this smile is anything but happy, just covering up the true feelings that I didn't want to deal with.


Girls day at the Race's Jan 2010, yes finally my eyes
are seeing what I am letting myself turn into a FAT
MESS!  My boobs are trying to over take the upper
part of my body while my arms are gaining more width then I would like.  This smile is graced with yes take my photo please as I want to document this wonderful day with a fat image of myself.  So yip you guessed it I enjoyed my day with some wine, cheese & crackers, chips & dip, smart aye?  My logic was well what damage can I do when I am not the size I want to be anyway.  Though with each sip & bite I took it wasn't filled with pleasure just guilt & yes GUILT is a wasted emotion!

So the FINAL photo the breaking point photo, the photo when I realized I needed to take back some control & start being responsible in looking after myself.  Yes this photo isn't really terrible, you see I have learnt over the years how to pose in ways that make you look better then what you actually look like.  I suppose you could say I am fake advertising myself really, but who doesn't want to look there best in photos.  I have began to avoid the camera which is funny as I am a beginner photographer, much rather be behind the lens of a camera then in front of 1.  This is hubby & I celebrating our 35th birthdays together, our birthdays are only 25 days apart so it easier to do 1 party save on time & money :)  We had a 'M' themed party as our names are Melissa & Marshall, hubby went as Mag PI & I was Medusa.  Great night but the smile is anything but happy with how I look, I am being a host who knows how to have a good time, which in fact is true but when I am not truly happy I am great at faking it.  I did have a great night with friends & family just not within myself.

So that's the end of my blog today & I know your thinking thank god, this girl can ramble.  I have just given you a short & basic version of my life here, much more to come but for now this is enough.  Today I stand here & take ownership of my life, I accept my faults as much as my good parts & know that I am the person I am today because of the road I have travelled so far.  Yesterday has been & gone, today is here the present you need to enjoy, while tomorrow is a mystery to look forward too, my life is a journey that I will endeavour to explore while learning to love myself.  As I am creating the LIFE I deserve!