So I had a huge thing happen today, I said it out loud why I am where I am today with my weight & what I used as a reason for allowing myself to get where I was, to become who I was.
You see I lost my baby brother Joshua & baby sister Samantha in a horrible car accident coming up 4 years on June 15th & July 7th. Joshua died instantly & Samantha passed away after fighting for 3 weeks, but they were both in the same accident.
Anyway I have been saying it to myself for a couple of weeks but I said it out loud today to 2 different friends & both times I got emotional & as I type this I have tears in my eyes. After the accident in 2008 I found comfort in food as I usually do & over a 3 year period I gained 20kgs, yip that's right 20 bloody kilos!!!
So my wake up call was when I saw a photo of myself from my 35th birthday in July last year & in September I thought I have to lose this weight, so I began to exercise & cut back on my food intake. I lost 5kgs but it never went any further then that because I just wasn't fully committed to doing it. Then my friend Cass discovered the Michelle Bridges 12WBT program & she achieved amazing results which got me interested. So in Jan 2012 when the pre-season began I started to take things seriously & I made the changes that I needed to make, part of it was because I spent money which I didn't want to be a waste of time doing plus my hubby wouldn't let me live it down if I didn't try my hardest. I also have a competitive nature & have a few friends doing this program with me & I use that also to push me. I know we are all in the same boat & wanting the same thing but if they are doing really well I want to be doing the same, so it encourages me to stay on track.
So the big self discovery is that while talking with my friend Bronya today I actually explained something to her that made sense & also helped me to understand why it had been hard for me to lose the weight this time. You see I was using the food as comfort but I was also using the food as a way to focus on something different, MY WEIGHT!!! If I got bigger I only had to concentrate on that, with great i'm fat, i'm looking awful, I don't want to go out because I don't want people to see me like this etc... I am soon realizing though as I am shedding that weight I am also shedding my shield that was hiding my pain, the grief that I was burying away & trying to avoid dealing with. Yip coming up 4 years & some may say that I should have dealt with my issues surrounding that, but nope I haven't as my focus was on my weight just the way I wanted it to be.
Here I am 14.5kgs lighter & my protective layer is being taken away, so now I have to open up & deal with the grief. This will sound silly but I feel with every kilo I lose a part of them is disappearing too, which I know isn't true but I hope you understand what I am trying to say. Now I am completely crying while typing because I am letting go of so much hurt & anger from what was taken from me & my family when I lost my beautiful sister & my wonderful brother. Life is cruel & things will never be the same, however I am here still alive & I was blessed to have been given Joshua for 24 years & Samantha for 14 years & I wouldn't change a thing about that part.
I am a believer that everything happens for a reason, even though I can't understand the reason behind this. I can be thankful that Samantha's lungs helped to save 2 kids lives & that Joshua graced us with gorgeous twin boys who remind us every day what a awesome daddy he was & would have been. Also the area where that accident happened had work done on it pretty much straight away after the accident & what happened to my brother & sister should never happen again as a barrier is now up. If that barrier had of been there when their accident happened they would still be with us today. So in the end they have saved other families having to go through what we had to endure of losing our loved ones.
There is always more then just being FAT or overweight, there is always a story to why someone has got to be where they have & my facing up to mine it is allowing me to live the life I should be living & to grieve for my lost loved ones properly.
♥♥♥ RIP Samantha & Joshua ♥♥♥
"I am Creating the LIFE I deserve"
I couldn't read this and NOT post. That is a horrible, horrible, tragic thing to go through. I completely understand the layers of grief .. and how you could use food to not only get by, but to function and numb the pain.
ReplyDeleteMy brother died in a motorbike accident, Jan 13, 3 years ago. Amazingly for me (as I only usually drink once or twice a year) I pretty much turned into an alcoholic - in that I couldnt' make it through the day without one drink. Somedays I could knock off 8 beers or so .. it got that bad. Sometimes I even drank in the morning.
My 'grief tonic' wasn't as noticeable perhaps as yours with weight gain - and only hubby really knew how much I drank (and needed a drink) - but it scarred me and sometimes made me feel worse, not better.
So I 'get' where you are .. I haven't lost 2 siblings - so I don't know that pain .. but I hope that with the shedding of weight, and with the grief that will return - you will be stronger this time to deal with it.
They say (whoever they are!!) time heals all wounds - it kinda does but then it also doesn't.
Take care, enjoy the weight loss for what it is - and bestest wishes for your continuing (never ending I expect) battles with grief.
You sound like a strong person with a great hubby so I hope by the time you reach your goal (or even just the 70's!!) you feel happier rather than sad.
Take care, Linda (fellow 12wbt-er)
Oh thanks so much for your kind & lovely words Linda, much appreciated & thank you for sharing your story with me too. I know they do say time is a healer, I just think each day gets a little bit easier then the last but never fully that same. I am lucky to have 2 very special angels that watch over me & will forever be with me in my heart. xoxo
ReplyDelete<3<3<3<3 beautifully written..
ReplyDeleteHey guys, I drive past the 2 crosses often and have always imagined that horrible day as if I was there. I do this with most crosses I see because of how I lost my younger brother in a motorbike accident in rotorua march 2016.I only today googled who Samantha, kayla
ReplyDeleteand josh were and I'm so sorry for your loss, I can imagine the pain you have to live with and it's not fair how life picks us for such a test of strength. Even though it gets easier it still changes everything. Rest in paradise Samantha josh and kayla ❤️❤️❤️