Sunday, 14 April 2013

Many changes & plenty of excuses!!!

Hi Everyone

Again I have allowed months to slide by before making another entry, have had so many changes in my personal life some great & others not so great.  I have also given in to my old ways by allowing some of these changes to be my ultimate excuse for falling off the wagon.  Been avoiding my support pages & my blog as it's a place of honesty for me & I wasn't ready to be honest & i'm not sure if I am yet either but I will try & use this as my stepping stone.  My fave quote when I haven't really given my 100% or done what I had said or planned on doing, I will say well baby steps is better then nothing, like i'm giving myself permission for me slack in attempt of an effort.

My happy & FAB news is that we have shifted into our new home, our own very 1st home, hubby & I are so excited & overjoyed that we have our own home!!!!  Hubby has been great & making our home look better & improving it for us making it ours more & more, I actually helped this weekend with the outside area too with water blasting the fence & concrete areas & then staining the fence.  We almost got it all done but ran out of stain so just a little bit at the back remains to be done.  We are both happy just staying at home on the weekends now coz we want to put any extra $$$ back into the house, pity this money thing holds up all our creative ideas.  I will continue to work hard as will hubby to make the $$$, just to improve our chances I will also continue to by our weekly lotto ticket you have to be in to win & never say never :)

Some sad news is that by beloved Nana passed away on Feb 13th 2013 after being with us for nearly 96 years, she would have turned 96 on June 2nd.  Nana was a very special lady & was loved by many, she had a wonderful life & gave us so many happy memories & I was blessed to have had her for as long as I did.

Due to Nana passing some family issues were also had, this was to be expected, coming from a large family where some saw things very differently to others.  Hurtful things were said & done which cannot be taken back & this saddens me more as through this I have lost one of my closest friends who was also my cousin, with all that we have been through I was surprised to find this was to eventually pull us apart.  Without going into too much detail what really gets to me is that not one person has come to my mother or myself or anyone from my side of the family to ask us what happened, they have been told one side of a story from people who hold grudges towards my mother & from what I see that has been held as truth to everyone.  Pity we weren't in court at least then we could tell our side of things.  All I can say is from where I sit this is all do with greed, grudges & years of resentful feelings.  RIP my beautiful Nana, your memory will live on in our hearts & you will never be forgotten.  I wish we could have given you the send off you deserved & I wish everyone was able to say a farewell to you as we had wanted but things were out of our hands, love you xo

So since the passing of my Nana, I have struggled with emotions through missing her but mainly from how things were dealt with & I need to work through it as I am using my old trusty, faithful friend FOOD to cope with it all & it's NOT good & NOT how I want to deal with it all!!!!
WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT MAY OFFEND -  I have gained 4kgs now since my lowest weight, though I know my current weight isn't really an honest weight as I also have trouble with going to the loo on a regular basis, coming up to 5 days today since I last went.  Over the last 6 weeks or so my tummy issues have come back in full swing, I have had tummy problems for years but it's on & off.  I have never had the pleasure of being a regular person when it comes to bowel motions so I am always jealous when I hear of people that have no trouble in that department.  Been watching Dr Oz which I must say has been interesting learning things as he was covering the issues that I am going through right at this moment, so perfect timing.  Have taken notes & I have also booked in to see a specialist at Health 2000 but there's a waiting period for that & my appointment is not till Friday 10th of May.  So I will start helping myself with my food diary with writing what I eat down each day, how much water I drink each day & when I suffer my tummy cramps.  Another thing I will concentrate on it eliminating certain foods & trying to eat certain foods to see if that makes a difference.  My aim is to be pro-active when it comes this area, as I cannot go on any longer with this pain, I am suffering physically, emotionally & mentally & I can't go on like this anymore.  At the moment I am relying on little pills to help me go once a week & it is playing havoc with my tummy & I would not like to know how much damage I am causing my insides by doing this.  So cross fingers for some answers soon & an improvement much sooner!!!

The other thing I wanted to touch base on was my last entry, well I was told by a few some had taken offence to what I had written about.  I was even deleted by a person on Facebook after them reading my blog.  In fairness my last blog was not aimed at that one person who did delete me but she did inspire the blog a wee bit.  My response to people were offended, why are you offended?  The only reason I feel someone would be offended by it, is because they feel guilty about something towards me or about how they are living their life.  I decided to have a good clean out on my Facebook friends, trying to keep my life more private still it's pretty hard to be too cut throat but I have managed to get it down to 202, still too many but over 100 people gone.  Ha ha suppose it's funny that I am trying to be more private on Facebook when I have a blog available to any Tom, Dick & Harry to read, but i'm ok with it all :)  I have gotten rid of the negative energy that was poisoning my life & thoughts & I feel I am slowly getting back to a happier place, it all takes time.

So to end today's blog, I would like to remind everyone some things, things that I am needing to be reminded of myself.
1: Live your life by truth, no matter how good you think you are hiding your secrets or living your double life, the truth always comes to light.
2: Remember when you judge others you are opening the door into your own life, make sure it's perfect, otherwise Karma is a bitch!
3: Say what you mean & mean what you say.
4: True friends love you for your good & bad qualities.  (This is where I am grateful for my life long friends, the ones that have known me for years & have never left my side.)
5: Love yourself, be kind to yourself & always be honest to yourself.
6: Remember we create our own happiness, so always remember what you are worth.
7: Life is to be lived, so do it with enjoyment.
8: A smile really can go a long way.
9: At the end of each day, look at what you are grateful for.
10: Only you have the power to be who you want to be, so make it happen!!!

Thanks again for taking the time to read my blog, sorry for all the dribble but I always feel so much better after writing my blog, so I need to share my feelings more it helps me with my journey.

Sunday, 6 January 2013

Guess who's back!!!

Oh WOW, I didn't realize that my last entry was that long ago, 4 1/2 months, JEEPERS!!!

I decided to start blogging again, I am hoping this may help keep me on track & encourage me to let go of feelings that keep creeping up on me.  Sharing or off loading, either way I need to stop carrying around these extra feelings of worrying & being concern of what others think!!!

So 2012 I didn't complete all my goals that I had planned, mainly being losing all the weight that I had wanted to lose.  I can say however I did manage to lose 23kgs in total from my heaviest weight, my heaviest being Jan 2011 - 99.7kgs, so the lowest I got was 76.4kgs last year.  If you don't mind me saying I am pretty BLOODY happy with that effort, that's a lot of emotional baggage I worked through but my journey isn't over, far from it.

So today Monday 7th of Jan 2013 - my weight starts at 78.4kgs, so a gain of 2kgs from my lowest weight, so not too bad.  My goal to reach 65kgs by my 37th birthday on 26th July, my goal weight has never been to get as small as I can but to reach a healthy weight that I can maintain for the rest of my life, it's a realistic weight goal :)  Have seen to many people get hang up on this number on the scale thing & myself included, I do admit I weigh myself pretty much every morning & I know I can hear you all you say DON'T do that, why do you do that for etc...  For me it actually helps to keep me in check, make sure I am not wondering off the track too much, if I see I am going up too much I will pull my head in & start being better with eating or exercising whatever needs to be concentrated on.

In a group that I am with on Facebook, called Just Do It, which was created by my cousin for people that are like minded & needing to be inspired or encouraged with their weight loss or exercise goals, I found my a challenge for 2013.  Last year I wanted to do a 1/2 marathon, but never really trained or pushed myself to do it.  I did however complete other goals that I wanted to do :)  So Tina Flack a member in this group has suggested for us to do the Taupo 1/2 Marathon this year, so that is my big exercise challenge.  I will register as a runner purely so if I want to walk/run I can, however I am going to try my hardest to complete it by doing a jog.  To honest I don't care how I complete it as long as I complete it, that's really my goal!!!

So last year 2012 was all about me tackling my weight loss goals & being a better me, by spending more time on myself instead of always focusing on others.  So this year 2013, I will continue with that work, but I also want to be a better Wife & Mum.  To be fair having done last year & doing a year where I was more focused on myself has actually enabled me to be a better Wife & Mum because I am happier within myself then I was when I was overweight.  However I want to spend more time with my family & loved ones, the kids are growing up too fast & I want to savior more moments together, create more memories together as a family.

Hubby & I have never been stronger & more happier then we are today, which I LOVE!!!  We have some big goals for 2013, one of then being finding our first home together.  We got pre-approved last year 2 months ago & are trying to keep it on the down low, but I have trouble sharing happy news, in the words of my hubby I have a big mouth ha ha ha :)  So if you are learning about this for the time it's not been that I haven't wanted to tell you, hubby said not to put it on Facebook.  So this particular blog will only be shared in private groups.  It's fun house hunting, but when you have a budget you have to stick too, it's hard, especially when the area you want to live in isn't the cheapest compared to other areas.   All good I know we will find the perfect house for us :)

The other goal I need to work on, is forgetting about what people think of me.  I have a pretty positive, bubbly personality & I always like to see the good in people.  Unfortunately that has hurt me in the pass, so it has made me more cautious about people.  In this world we will always have people who will sit on their perches judging others & looking down on us.  Those people are not people I want in my life anyway & to be fair a lot of the time those people have far to many issues of their own that they need to make themselves feel better by being like that.  Otherwise they would need to look in the mirror & see who they really are & face some truths, so majority of them don't & focus on putting down others.  I have had a life-time of being bullied, especially by girls & on the most part it's jealously which creates this.  My life has not been a bed or roses, so I am proud of who I am & where I am in life, yes their are things I am not proud of in my past, but those experiences has help mold me into the person I am today.  I am over people being FAKE & INSINCERE, if you actually want to be part of my life be involved with genuine intentions.  If not don't pretend to care, be true to yourself.

I will continue to be grateful for my wonderful life & all the amazing things I get to have in life, because my life really has been enriched since learning to be grateful for what I have.  I will continue to take one step at a time in my personal journey of bettering myself as a person, wife & mum & I will learn to let go of things that aren't worth me worrying about.

Time is precious & we must spend our time with who we love & what we love doing!!!