Sunday, 29 January 2012

Week 2 on the 12WBT

Hi everyone

So my 2nd week on the 12WBT, went a little differently to the 1st.  I got in a bit of a FUNK & found it hard to pull myself out of it.  I didn't complete as much exercise as I had in the 1st week & I wasn't counting my calories very well just doing estimates, plus it's the week before I get my friend & I am always a little more moody then usual, lol.

Then I thought to myself you know what, ok I haven't been achieving the 500 calories for exercise everyday & yes I have been making some bad food choices.  Overall though I have taken some good steps in travelling down this new path that I have ventured on & I haven't given up!  I am making more of an effort to exercise 6 days a week & if I miss a day the next day I have to do a bit more to make up for it etc...  I have come a long way to where the (OLD ME) would have self sabotaged myself in harsher ways & may of just given up. Not the (NEW ME) though I talked myself out of my rut & got myself back on track!!!!!!!

This is me telling OLD ME where to go & saying NEW ME is here to stay!

Ok so here's my break down of my week for exercise & what I accomplished!

MONDAY - Was a complete write off, this is where my funk started.
TUESDAY - I managed to do Michelle Bridge's Super Shredder DVD work-out & burnt 307 calories.
WEDNESDAY - I did a bike ride with the kids & burnt 297 calories.
THURSDAY - Did a 5km jog & burnt 403 calories.
FRIDAY - Another day off, oops.
SATURDAY - Did my 6.5km jog & burnt 500 calories.
SUNDAY - Was my MASSIVE day, I did a 5.5km jog in the morning & burnt 500 calories & in the arvo I did 10km jog & burnt another 847 calories a total of 1347 calories in 1 day :)

So my total for the week was 2854 calories burnt, almost a 1000 less then the 1st week, but on reflection not a bad effort & bloody better then nothing, which was the case a while back before my health kick started!

1178 calories in this so 2 of these would almost equal what I worked off, not what I would waste my calories on!
So if you were on a 2000 a day calorie intake look at how much you have left, not a lot!  I am on a 1200 calorie intake a day so 1 of these would be me for the day, NOT a clever choice.  Helps to see things like this to put things in perspective!

So it's Measure Monday for me & I have lost 23 & 1/2cms in total in 2 weeks & 1.8kgs, so I am pretty dam HAPPY with that & I am going to work hard to lose the next 2.9kgs in the next 2 weeks to get to my 1st goal weight of 85kgs :)

Something I am continuing to work on, this year is about me getting my health back on track, my body where I want it to be & making better food choices to fuel by body with.

Some more wise words to remember, we are all built differently & we all achieve our goals in our own time but the one thing that is in common is that we are the only person who can make our dreams come true.  
So stop thinking & start doing!!!!!

Because it's all about Creating the LIFE I deserve :)

Monday, 23 January 2012

1st week on the 12WBT!

So it was 1 complete week yesterday since I started the pre-season of the 12WBT, how am I going well I will give you a run down :)

So on Monday 16th Jan 2012 I was all guns blazing for this challenge.  For exercise I completed my 6.5km track by jogging 5.5km of it & walking the other 1km & I burnt 584 calories by doing that, great start.

Tuesday 17th Jan 2012 still got the fire in me.  Exercise for today was my 6.5km track again, once again I jogged 5.5km & walked the other 1km, burnt 581 calories that day.

Wednesday 18th Jan 2012, still going strong.  Decided to try out 1 of my new Michelle Bridges DVD the Super Shredder, only burnt 387 calories this day but that's better then none.

Thursday 19th Jan 2012, a long day last thing I wanted to do was exercise but I got my trainers on & got out that door to do my 6.5km track, again jogged 5.5km & walked the other 1km, burnt 531 calories.  That day was a slow day struggled to get moving but I JFDI which is what Michelle Bridges say's :)

Friday 20th Jan 2012 have a dinner out with the girls tonight so a RED FLAG event.  I decided to do 2 of Michelle Bridges DVD's the Seek & Destroy in the morning & the Super Shredder in the arvo burnt 689 calories.  So I enjoyed 1 glass of wine with dinner & stayed on water for the rest of the night didn't have an entree or dessert just a vegie main with a side salad, very happy with my choice though the main had pastry in it not the best but a lot better then I would have picked before I started this challenge.  Oh the other challenge I had this day was to make my friend a birthday cake, not 1 bit of butter icing passed my lips, I was very impressed :)

Saturday 21st Jan 2012, made this my rest day as I was working all day then straight to a BBQ at friends after work.  Was naughty had a little bit of birthday cake & 1/2 glass of wine, but again a huge improvement to how I use to be.

Sunday 22nd Jan 2012, this is my SSS day known as Super Shredder Saturday tho it was Sunday for me this is the day where we burn 1000 calories :)  So I meet up with my friend Leigh & we walked up the Mount & then walked around the Mount we were only up to 750 & something calories, so we walked to Leisure Island & found some steps to walk up & down then I did some jumping jacks & lunges.  Still only 920 calories so went across the road & walked up Mount Dury & back to the car finally 1021 calories done, YAY!  That was the best feeling EVER, I didn't want to stop till I saw that number at 1000 & when I did it put the biggest SMILE on my face!  When you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything.

So in a total of 1 week I burnt 3755 calories & I exercised 6 out of 7 days, WOW the new ME really has some DETERMINATION!

Yesterday Monday 23rd Jan 2012, was not a good day :(  I woke up with a dodgy tummy, so I spent the day in bed watching programs, nibbled on lollies & did NO exercise, the old ME was creeping in for a visit aaarrrggghhhh!!!!!!!

I decided fine today will be my REST day & the next 6 will have to be exercise days now.  I started reading the Michelle Bridges Crunch Time Book & did an activity in there about being honest with myself & writing down how committed I am to making the changes I need to make, a great way to kick me back into gear.

So in 1 week after all that HARD work I have managed to lose 1kg, wasn't very happy with that result but then I found this photo that helped me to see it differently.

I have lost 2 of these in 1 week!

I also took my measurements & again another awesome result from there, I had lost 11 1/2 cms overall on my body, I thought that's bloody amazing, YAY!  I don't seem to lose the weight that fast but cm's seem to go down very fast for me so I have to stop being so fixated on that bloody number showing on my scales.

Something I am learning to do!

I have a couple of small issues that work against me & I need to keep that in mind, I don't have regular movement with my bowels & I also have an under active thyroid.  These are not EXCUSES for me to allow myself to be easy on myself but I need to remember this to why I may not see the results as fast, I just have to work harder & need to be more patient & give it time.

So that's it for me this week, I have decided to only write in my blog once a week with my updates of how I am doing or if I have something major happen that I need to share then I will.  Until then remember I am Creating the LIFE I deserve, why don't you do the same!

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Goals & Rewards!

After a little bit of thinking on my behalf I have finally come up with a list of Goals & Rewards :)

(starting weight 89kg)

Goal 1# Get to 85kgs by the end of pre-season.
85 kilograms is equivalent to 13 stone and 5.39 pounds
Reward: Buy myself a CD :)

Goal 2# Get to 80kgs 4-6 weeks into the actual 12WBT
80 kilograms is equivalent to 12 stones and 8.37 pounds
Reward: Buy some new workout clothes :)

Goal 3# Get to 75kgs by the end of the 12WBT
75 kilograms is equivalent to 11 stones and 11.3 pounds
Reward: Get my hair done & buy myself a new outfit :)

Ultimate Goal Weight is 65kgs by the end of the year!
65 kilograms is equivalent to 10 stones and 3.3 pounds


Goal 1# To do the Pinnacles Walk at the end of March 2012.
A view of the Pinnacles.             
The Hut we sleep in over night.
             Reward: Get a JUST DO IT top & cap :)

Goal 2# To do the Tough Girl/Tough Guy Challenge in
 July/August 2012.
This is what I am going to look like when I finish this goal!
Reward: Get a 1 hour Facial :)

Goal 3# Complete a Half Marathon in October/November 2012.
My Marathon will be in NZ of course but you get the idea!
Reward: Get a Full Body Massage :)

There you go things that I want to work towards, having it written down & sharing it on here has made it real for me & I have made a commitment to myself & to you too.  If anyone is keen to join me in any of my goals please let me know the more the merrier I say :)

Well I am keeping today's blog short & sweet, still tired & I have decided to try & get an early night.  1st day back at work tomorrow so I better be bright & cheerful for my work mates & clients as I am the front person being the receptionist :)

Thanks again for reading & here's to Creating the LIFE I deserve!

Second Day into it :)

So again I didn't get myself up & out the door early like I wanted too, but I was so tired.  That might be because I was up till after midnight again, honestly I need to organize my time better.
Trying to check in on Facebook & checking out the group pages I am on there with regarding the 12WBT Challenge, commenting with positive things to some lovely ladies going through the same journey as me.  Then doing my blog which I want to be a daily thing for me even if it's short & sweet I want to use it as my diary & make time for it & share my progress good or bad & if I have had a shitty day & how I dealt with it.  Plus being a wife & mother to 3 kids & working part-time & catching up with good friends, time can get away on you sometimes.

I do find writing down my feelings is a good way for me to vent & get it off my chest allowing me to move on.  I also like shouting out loud when I am doing great coz I feel being positive can be contagious, you want to be around happy people & get that buzz that they are on.  We don't want to surround ourselves with negative energy, it just deflates you & you don't see all the wonderful things you should be grateful for & all the positives you should be focusing on you just look at the few things that are going wrong & make them bigger then they need to be.  I know this oh so well, as I have a history of depression so I know the signs & I am pretty fast at making sure I do not go down that dark path, as it's not fun.

Exercise always gives me my happy vibe & I love it, I know this but in the past I always struggled to get my backside off that couch or computer chair as the case maybe a lot more these days, lol.  For some reason I have this new found energy & vibe in just wanting to succeed & kick ass on this 12WBT Challenge which I am all for :)

So I managed to do my 6.5km track again today this time I did it in the evening when hubby got home so he could watch our kids while I had my ME time.  I jogged 5.5kms of it & walked the other 1km, I must inform you I refuse to say run (though I noticed I did the other day somewhere oopsy) because I do not run what so ever.  I was watching my shadow tonight as I was jogging & I jog very slowly more like a shuffle jog but when looking at my shadow I would better describe it as a pregnant waddle jog but instead of the load being in the front it's all in the booty.  So I was thinking I wonder what I look like, do the people in the cars that pass by laugh at me because of the style I am jogging in.  Then I thought don't be silly i'm sure they have way more interesting things on their minds & even if they do have a giggle at my jogging style, well the positive from that is I put a smile on someones face or I gave them a happy chuckle & that's ok with me.  Coz you know what I might jog with my pregnant waddle but I am doing it & that's all that matters & I am feeling bloody awesome in doing so too!

So I managed to burn another 581 calories today, I am pretty happy with that :D

Last night after my shower which I took at like 11.30pm I did my measurements as promised & the results were not good, I had lost some not long ago & though I haven't put them all back on I have put some of it back on.  It's all ok as I know those cms are going to decrease day by day on this wonderful 12WBT Challenge, so anyway here goes another brave move from me & sharing & owning more of where I am in life.

On Monday 16th Jan 2021 my measurements were,
Neck: 34.5cm
Bust: 101cm
Abdomen: 79.5cm
Waist: 92cm
Hips: 114cm
Bum: 115cm
Right Upper Arm: 32cm
Left Upper Arm: 32cm
Right Upper Thigh: 70cm
Left Upper Thigh: 71cm
Right Calf: 40.5cm
Left Calf: 40cm

I think I am measuring everything in the right place but I can't be completely sure, but if I measure in the same places I will be ok.  I have decided to measure myself every Monday, as I know some weeks the weight may not go down but my measurements may do.  It's just another way to keep me being positive about the whole weight loss thing & staying on track.

That's it's from me today & remember it's all about creating the LIFE I deserve :)

Monday, 16 January 2012

So Today I begin my 12WBT Challenge.

I got a feel good vibe happening this morning, was my 1st day with the 12WBT Challenge & I was super excited to start it, plus I SO need it too!

I didn't get up early as planned coz I am still tired from traveling & Sunday was a complete write off as a day.  So happy that I didn't though, because 9.30am this morning my new toy arrived. My pretty PINK Polar FT4 HRM watch, YAY!  Couldn't wait to try it out & see what I have been doing with my 6.5km track that I do usually do around where I live.

Headed out the door with my fancy new toy & pounded that pavement with such energy & determination, i'm sure people were staring at me wondering what I was on with my smile shining so bright :-)  I jogged 5.5km of my track & then walked the other 1km & with that I burned 584 calories, easy peasy doing my 500 calories with exercise today with that one.  I completed this in my best time ever also 1hr & 7mins, have to minus 3 mins of that time as I had a loo stop during my walk, thank god there are loos along the way where I do my walk.

So here's my proof 584 calories baby!
I was in the fat burning zone for 57min & 51secs.
My average HR was 138 & my Max was 164.

I can tell you now that I am going to find this HRM a blessing to push me that extra mile, I just wanted to see  the calories go up so I would run a bit more or run a bit harder.  It is 1 thing I would encourage people to buy if they were to embark on a journey like this.

So I thought I am going to completely OWN my life & where I am at in it, so I am going to make 1 big brave move & share with you my current weight & some before photos that were taken today.  Excuse these horrible photos I look disgusting in them & I am positive I have tried my hardest to look the worse I can look too, lol.  So here goes.
Side photo of my huge self 16.01.12

Front photo of my wide self 16.01.12

I know I am making fun of myself, but I DO NOT like these photos at all, but you know what I also know that my after photos are going to look so bloody AWESOME that I won't even believe that's me here right now.  I will use them as inspiration for myself to remind me where I do not ever want to be again so if I feel myself slipping up out come these photos which will help to push me back in line!

Today I weigh 89kgs, my goal weight is 65kgs, my heaviest weight was 95kgs back in July 2011, so I have already made a small loss. So my total loss I want to achieve is 24kgs,  I am hoping to lose at least 10kgs on this round of 12WBT challenge, kind of wanting 15kgs though & anything more then that would be BLOODY GREAT!

I am going to take my measurements after I have a shower tonight & I will share those results tomorrow.

Remember it's all about Creating the LIFE I deserve!


Saturday, 14 January 2012

Back from holiday!

Hi people

Have just spent the last 10 days in Gold Coast, visiting family & friends.  Main reason for going over at the most expensive time of the year though was to celebrate my long-time wonderful friend Mandy (also my cousin) 40th birthday.

This was our 1st ever family holiday overseas & it had been 12 years since I last traveled on a plane somewhere, so it was a much needed & well deserved break for us all.  My kids seem to travel fine no major tantrums were thrown in public thankfully, plus we had no delays everything really ran perfect for our flights to & from Ozzy.

Hubby & I at Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary Park 5th Jan 2012.

I was also blessed when we did the theme parks that we managed to do everything we wanted to do at all the times we wanted to do them at, I was very tinny at getting what I really wanted, though I did ask the universe so I had put it out there.  Seems positive thinking really does work!

My kids (L-R) Maddisyn 4yrs, Blake 7yrs & Kyra 10yrs, holding the baby croc at Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary Park 5th Jan 2012.

I shopped up a storm, brought more then I had planned on buying, LOL!  Plus my lovely friend Cass had a chuck out of her wardrobe as she has gotten to skinny for them, so got myself some awesome hand me downs.  I love it when friends have a clean out it really feels like Xmas to me when I score free clothes :)

I was also impressed that I was a good girl & did some exercise while on holiday, not as much as I had wanted to do, but the holiday mode did sink so I relaxed more.  The only time really to do exercise is early in the morning in Oz anything after 6am it's too HOT!  So the mornings I did do something it was done at 5.15am or so, I squeezed in 3 or 4 walks plus an 1hr & 30 mins Zumba Master Class one Friday night.  I would like to add though with all the walking around the Theme parks I did surely that counts too, my feet were aching like mad at the end of each day.

Going to Draculas at Gold Coast with our friends, 12th Jan 2012.

Just a short & sweet post today to let you know why I wasn't around posting, I thought while on holiday I would just be on holiday & not doing anything but relaxing & enjoying my time away.  Ok I did check in on Facebook everyday but I couldn't give up all my habits, ha ha :)

Myself, Maddisyn, hubby & Blake doing a ride at Sea World 10th Jan 2012.

Tomorrow is a BIG day for me, the beginning to the rest of my life!  Pre-season starts for Michelle Bridges 12WBT  so ROCK on Monday Jan 16th 2012, i'm ready to do this thing :)  I am very excited but I also have a wee bit of nerves happening, more then anything I am determined to makes the changes I need to make & discover & let out the new & improved me physically, emotionally & spiritually.  Although the changes will be seen more then anything I know my outlook on life will also change & I will be happier within myself too.  2012 is MY year where I am going to put my goals into action & achieve my dreams, of course this won't happen over night but my steps are being made now to make them come to fruition!

The Zumba Master Class I took in Ozzy with Mandy to the left of me & Cass to the right of me, yes that's right I am in the middle (oh & Zumba Bear) I think this is a good before photo of what I looks like now, so keep an eye out for the after photo!  Though I will be doing the proper photos that you need to do, lets see how strong I am & if I have the courage to post those bad boy photos, lol.

So I hope you enjoy following my journey that I am about to embark on & who knows maybe I might inspire you along the way.

Thanks for reading my post & remember it's all about Creating the LIFE I deserve, only I have the power to do that so I have control of making it happen :)

Tuesday, 3 January 2012


So today I finally walked up the Mount again & around with my friend Angela, an old friend from school who I have reconnected with thanks to the wonderful world of Facebook.  My hubby Marshall wouldn't necessarily agree with that comment in regards to Facebook, he finds my time is taken up too much since I discovered Facebook well he doesn't know what's going to hit him now that I have started a blog too.

It's been so awesome catching up with people from my past & seeing where they are & what they have been up to over the years.  Ok ok I'll be honest I also love being nosey & want to check out the photos to see what they look like now, have they gone to the dogs or have they had work done or are they even better looking then I remembered, lol.  To be fair it's just the snobs or nasty girls that I hope have faired the worse, but even though I have that little evil voice on my shoulder saying these silly comments I really just love getting in contact with people.

Recently I had a private message from an old school friend Nicole, who said she felt like we were friends even though we don't see each other, as I always like or comment on things that she posts.  If I have something to say I will make a comment on it, some people get annoyed by how often I post comments, I say to them learn to use the HIDE button coz I ain't changing, lol.  It grates me to sometimes how people will read things that you post or view photos that you share but never comment, but then you might bump into them & they say oh yeah I saw that.  I feel like they are stalking me or taking an interest in my life but don't want me to know about it, just press like if you can't be bothered saying anything, it's not hard.  So in saying all that I am a person who really does take interest in others & I love reading what you have to say, so if I read it or view it I will let you know & if I have something to say I will post a comment to let you know.

Another thing I have discovered about Facebook is, it's like an adult world of high school dramas sometimes.  Let me tell you some of the SHIT that has been created by simple status up dates or smart arse comments on photos or posts.  The hard thing with Facebook is we don't hear the tone of how someone is delivering a comment so sometimes we read something & say it in the tone in how we think it is being expressed only to find we got it completely wrong.  This is when using LOL or Ha Ha is very important coz if you are joking make it clear sometimes sarcasm is hard to hear when there is no volume button on a those posts.

In another way though I find some people hide behind there Facebook world persona, letting it all out & making loud & random comments for all to view like hey people I'm a bitch you shouldn't mess with coz I will CAP LOCK your arse on here.  Put me in front of the person I am complaining about well shit I don't have CAPS LOCK to help me out, aaaarrrrgggghhhh I have to use my mouth & be honest & say it to their face.  People who always whinge about others on Facebook by using their status up dates to do so normally don't have the guts to do it to your face.  On here they have support from their friends & will get comments like oh no what's happened etc...  Don't get me wrong I have done this myself but with going through some messy business with some so called friends I have learnt the error of my ways & won't repeat that again.  I do believe however my status up date is mine to express how I feel & sometimes I do use it as a venting tool, I am just more aware of what I should share sometimes.  P.S Drunk facebooking not a wise idea, very therapeutic at the time & makes you feel so empowered,  but next morning hmmmm reality of the situation will hit you in the face & that can be not so nice.  Yes I have done this too, so I am talking from experience, thank god for the delete button aye no one ever saw it, ha ha yeah right!

Many times I have gone through my friends list wanting to have a huge clean out & delete people who I don't have real contact with or any interest in staying in contact with, I can usually cut it down by a few but my number will always creep back up.  I tried really hard to see if I could just keep 100 friends but everyone I would have a reason for keeping, family don't want to step on anyone's toes & offend them, work mates again don't want to offend anyone, then all the old school friends or old work mates etc... I will look at their photo & think we talk so I have to keep them or we comment every now & then so I better keep them or I really like seeing what they are doing so I want to keep them.  In fairness everyone I have kept it's because I want to keep you, you are not just a number on my friends list you are someone I want to have on my friends list.  It astounds me when I see people with 500 or 800 friends, I find it hard with 260, lol.

Anyway to end today's blog, my relationship with FacebookLOVE, I am on here daily/hourly, lol,  to check & see what is happening with my friends & family.  I have a few groups I am a part of on there also which really help me with certain areas of my life I am trying to improve.  So as much as people want to bag Facebook,  I will never give it up because you know what I'm happy with my relationship with Facebook we get along just fine :)  It has enabled me to meet people who will help me start creating the LIFE I deserve!

Sunday, 1 January 2012

My life is a journey that I will endeavour to explore while learning to love myself.

Hello again :)

So yesterday was my introduction to you all & a learning curve of how this blog thing works, I'm not really computer savvy but I am smarter then what I give myself credit for.  I know starting a blog you may think is a simple & easy task but I was on here for awhile before my fingers starting typing.
Trying to think of a name for my page that really summed it up & then coming up with an intro & then pressing the post button & then even sharing the link to my blog.  I'm surprised to have 8 people following my blog already & even more surprised that people actually liked reading my blog.

In life I have always been a person who shares easily & enjoys talking, some of my close family & friends would say that I talk too much & share too much, lol.  To me though if I feel comfortable in telling you something personal about me it's because I fell comfortable around you, I also think if people want to judge me let them, you will never make everyone happy.  So instead of trying to achieve such an unrealistic task, concentrate on being honest to yourself & knowing who you are & LOVING yourself for it.  Such easy words to express & believe me it's a work in progress for myself but I am learning more & more each day that I am capable of being an AWESOME person who deserve nothing but the BEST in LIFE!

So I am going to show you some photos of myself at different stages/ages in my life, each with a caption of why I chose that photo to share on here.

So the world is blessed with my presence in 1976 & the journey of my life begins.  This is me with my cousin Julie there is 3 weeks between us.

Here I am in my Standard 3 class photo which I think
is referred to as year 5 these days, I'm the 3rd one in from the left hand side in the front row.  This is where my weight problem began, after a teacher told me she thought I was bigger then I needed to be.  I didn't have an issue with my weight until that day happened, I don't entirely blame her she just was my trigger point to my self sabotage ways.  I OWN my actions now, that was 1 hard thing to do, let me tell you.

Here I am with my friends for my 13th birthday, little chubby thing that I am with my oh so trendy perm going on (poodle hair as some would say)  I was really struggling with myself at this stage of my life, where I fitted in & who I wanted to be.  My college years were hard & I really didn't like them, being at an all girls school wasn't easy either.  Girls can be so cruel & nasty & what I know now it doesn't change as you get older.  The friend to the left of me in this photo is 1 of my besties though Becky Wilde, we have some good stories & have shared lots together.

Here I am with my friend Morgan, my boyfriend at the time lived in another town so Morgan escorted me to my 6th Form Ball, it was a great night.  When I was getting dressed that night to go & shake my booty on the dance floor I was so concerned with how I looked, as I was always the bigger girl in the group of girls that I hang out with.  I borrowed this dress off a friend of mine as my parents could never afford to buy me a new dress. In 2 years I went to 5 balls & not once did I ever get a brand new dress, always borrowed from someone & I think I wore the same dress only once in that time.  It bothered me at the time but now I realize I was lucky that I had people who were willing to share their gorgeous dresses by allowing me to wear them.  I popped this photo up once on my Face Book Page & below wrote if only I was as fat as the 1st time I thought I was, because mate I look HOT!!!!!!  Funny really how we look back on life & see the bigger picture is completely different to how we viewed it back then.

This is Mandy my awesome & wonderful cousin who is also one of my dear & closest friends, now we really have some good stories that we should actually never tell anyone, lol.  I smile when I think of some of adventures we went on.  This is us at a 3 day concert gig, we slept in that van & partied hard.  My age was 18 or 19 I think & I had just lost 16kgs & was feeling pretty bloody happy with myself & rocking that body.  Though I look happy & I had a great time this is when I disrespected myself as a person the most, after losing the weight I realized I got more attention from the male species & boy I enjoyed that.  So for around 2 or so years I allowed myself to be treated like shit, thinking I was worth nothing more.  The main reason for me behaving like this was because I was raped April 13th 1995 & more self hating began!

Here I am at my good friend Angie's wedding 1997, that year I meet my 1st serious boyfriend who reminded me what I was actually worth & how I should actually be treated.  That smile is a genuine one, as happiness had entered my life, although the curves had gotten a bit curvier also.  That relationship lasted 3 years & to be honest I'm surprised it lasted that long after me trying & taking every chance I could to contaminate it with my fu#ked up attitude lol.  I did try therapy sessions & self help books.  The only problem with that was I was never fully committed to the process so I could never be 100% the person I wanted to be.

Here I am in 2000 at my farewell party, after that 3 year relationship ended I went to the States lived in Orlando for 5 months doing a nanny job.  It was also the beginning of another destructive round to hurting myself & letting shitty men take advantage of my low self esteem.  Yes I know you think I would have learnt but shit can you tell,  I don't learn things the easy way I like to make it as difficult as possible, lol.  It's easy to joke about it now but at the time that smile was masking a lot of pain & hurt, I had lost my way & I didn't know how to get back!

Here I am celebrating my 26th birthday with friends in Hamiton, a girls weekend away.  My life had changed hugely here as I had become a single mum at the age of 25 yrs & my little girl saved me from destroying my life completely & wasting it away with party antics.  It was a scary thing becoming a single mum, however it help shape me into the woman I am today.  It made me realize what I was capable of & how much support I had available.  Again I was blessed with much more then what others had but I didn't appreciate it as much as I should of at the time.  This smile is happy that my life turned out the way it did.

At my friend Lisa's wedding 2002.  Had plumped up a bit here but semi happy with my appearance, I have such a round full face & it bugs me, lol.  The smile in this photo is hiding the fact that I was very lonely & desperately wanted to meet someone special.

2003 the year I meet my hubby, this is me having my 27th birthday dinner with friends.  I'm truly happy where life is right now in this photo.  Was meeting & making new friends, starting a new job & enjoying life. I had gained a bit more weight here but still felt comfortable enough to socialize in public, lol.

Our engagement party/30th birthday celebration for the both of us with the friends 2006.  Had our 1st child together the year before but Blake was our 2nd child to our little family.  Marshall has embraced Kyra as his own & doesn't treat her any differently then to the 2 children we made together.  Happiness has been found but not without it's ups & downs, me being me made things hard work but my dear hubby never gave up on me.  Some would say a man of real strength or a man who was just bonkers to stay with me, I know however he is a man of real strength.  Family means everything to him & I couldn't love him more :)

The happiest day of my life, when I married my best friend 24th Nov 2007.  I felt so lucky to have our kids to be involved in our day & share in the wonderful memory we created on that very special day.  Our life was enriched with our 3rd child in April that year & I had 7 months to drop the baby weight, no pressure ha ha.  I didn't lose enough to fit my dress without having to get it altered by professionals.  You see I found my dress when I had just lost 13kgs & I was back down to a size 12 sometimes 10 & this dress was a 10.  However I was fortunate enough to be able to adjust it enough to walk down the isle in it on the day, thank god!  Another thing you will learn about me is I love my bargains, hate paying full price, so the dress I am wearing was a $1600.00 dress which I manage to purchase for $400.00 BARGAIN!!!!!  My smile here is of pure contentment with how far I have come in allowing myself to be happy with what I have in life :)

The year 2008 was the hardest & most difficult year of my life.  On June the 15th 2008 my brother Joshua & sister Samantha were killed in a horrible car accident.  Joshua died instantly leaving behind twins sons who were 4 months old at the time & he was only 24 yrs of age.  Samantha died 3 weeks later on 7th July 2008 after fighting for her life, she left this world at the young age of 14 yrs old.  This has completely devastated my family & has caused much heartache with us all.  I turned to exercise for a little bit but before long I returned to my faithful friend FOOD!  This is when the weight slowly packed itself back on & when I really tested my marriage.  So yes this smile is anything but happy, just covering up the true feelings that I didn't want to deal with.

Girls day at the Race's Jan 2010, yes finally my eyes
are seeing what I am letting myself turn into a FAT
MESS!  My boobs are trying to over take the upper
part of my body while my arms are gaining more width then I would like.  This smile is graced with yes take my photo please as I want to document this wonderful day with a fat image of myself.  So yip you guessed it I enjoyed my day with some wine, cheese & crackers, chips & dip, smart aye?  My logic was well what damage can I do when I am not the size I want to be anyway.  Though with each sip & bite I took it wasn't filled with pleasure just guilt & yes GUILT is a wasted emotion!
So the FINAL photo the breaking point photo, the photo when I realized I needed to take back some control & start being responsible in looking after myself.  Yes this photo isn't really terrible, you see I have learnt over the years how to pose in ways that make you look better then what you actually look like.  I suppose you could say I am fake advertising myself really, but who doesn't want to look there best in photos.  I have began to avoid the camera which is funny as I am a beginner photographer, much rather be behind the lens of a camera then in front of 1.  This is hubby & I celebrating our 35th birthdays together, our birthdays are only 25 days apart so it easier to do 1 party save on time & money :)  We had a 'M' themed party as our names are Melissa & Marshall, hubby went as Mag PI & I was Medusa.  Great night but the smile is anything but happy with how I look, I am being a host who knows how to have a good time, which in fact is true but when I am not truly happy I am great at faking it.  I did have a great night with friends & family just not within myself.

So that's the end of my blog today & I know your thinking thank god, this girl can ramble.  I have just given you a short & basic version of my life here, much more to come but for now this is enough.  Today I stand here & take ownership of my life, I accept my faults as much as my good parts & know that I am the person I am today because of the road I have travelled so far.  Yesterday has been & gone, today is here the present you need to enjoy, while tomorrow is a mystery to look forward too, my life is a journey that I will endeavour to explore while learning to love myself.  As I am creating the LIFE I deserve!